A Grand Realization

Let us consider today the mysterious difference between American toilets and European toilets. The former are deeper and are filled with water; the latter have an elevated portion forward of the deeper sink in the rear. The significance of this occurs in defecation. The stool in the American toilet sinks underwater, while the stool in the European toilet remains above water until the toilet is flushed.

Americans boast that their toilets eliminate the odors emanating from the stool; Europeans counter that the American toilets splash contaminated water upward to contact with the user’s posterior regions. 

What means this difference? Are American noses more sensitive? Are European bottoms more sanitary?

Behold, friends, for I have discovered the true significance of this controversy; I have found the explanation that resolves the dispute.

In my thinking, the American diet produces softer, less intestinally-processed, smellier stool, whereas the European diet generates harder, rounder, less odiferous stool. This means that American toilets must envelop the stool in a protective bath of water; moreover, the softness of the American product requires more washing-water to leave the toilet sparkling clean upon flushing. The European product, however, needs no odor-blocking blanket of water, nor does it leave an unsightly residue on the open surface of the toilet; a small flush of water is sufficient to remove all traces of the user’s output.

Moreover, splash protection is unnecessary for American bottoms, because American stool eases gently into the basin in a long, slow procession, whereas European stool drops single round pellets that strike the water with enough energy to propel an upward splash of contaminated water. 

While I have not empirically established these results, I deem my theoretical cogitations adequately convincing.

Quid Est Demonstrandum